Often we get ourselves into trouble by approaching decision making using black-and-white thinking. This is an approach our brain prefers because it’s simple--things are either right or wrong, good or bad, working or not working. While this type of approach is appealing (we like fast and easy--just as the fast food industry) it fails to take into account the complexity of our lives. This can lead to some very real problems from a mental health perspective.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy & Decision Making
In ACT, we don’t try to make the “right” choice or get rid of “bad” habits. Instead, in ACT counseling sessions, we try to decide whether our habits and choices are helping us live in a way that is consistent with our values. If they aren’t, as a therapist, I will use mindfulness counseling techniques to help you learn different habits that are more effective in moving towards the life you want for yourself. This also helps to make choices that reinforce your sense of self and make healthy progress towards your goals.
The significance of approaching our habits and choices as “effective” or “skillful” rather than “right” or “good” is a matter of changing the way we talk and think about ourselves. It has the effect of helping us to be more patient and gentle with ourselves and others. It helps us be more flexible and adaptive when things don’t go the way we hope.
When we insist on black-and-white thinking, we put an enormous amount of pressure on ourselves to be perfect. You might try to find the exact best way to approach a situation. We fail to realize that there’s almost always more than one way to achieve a goal or perform an action. There’s no such thing as the “right way” or even the “best way.”
As a Tulsa counselor, it’s my job to help you take a closer look at these thoughts. Together, we will look at which of your thoughts are effective at helping you move forward in the areas that matter most to you. Similarly, we’ll look at how some of your thoughts, include thoughts that label things as “good” or “bad,” might be holding you back, keeping you from making important decisions or even contributing to depression and anxiety.
Making the “Right” Choice leads to Overwhelm
Insisting on the “right” choice can often be a recipe for anxiety.
Have you ever found yourself overwhelmed with a choice? You have two, or three, or a hundred options, and you can’t seem to figure out which is best. You try to weigh the pros and cons, or make lists, or ask for advice from others, but you can’t seem to decide. Many people get paralyzed by this approach. I know that, personally, I’ve missed out on plenty of opportunities because I took so long to decide that the moment passed me by.
The idea that your choices are either “right” or “wrong” can mean you put a lot of pressure on yourself. The constant thinking and rethinking something through can not only be exhausting, but can leave you showing symptoms of anxiety (racing thoughts, self doubt, excessive worry).
Decision Making and Regret
Insisting on the “right” choice can also lead to regret, guilt, and self-criticism. These can, in turn, lead to signs of depression or anxious thoughts. It’s easy to think negatively about yourself (which contributes to both anxiety & depression)
Imagine you’re offered two boxes, but you can only choose one. You choose the first box and find out that it contained $1000. Amazing! You’re really excited about this choice (obviously).
But then you find out that the other box contained one million dollars. Now you’re likely feeling remorseful, frustrated, and even angry. You regret your choice. You might even berate yourself for being so stupid. You had a feeling the second box was the better box. Stupid! If only you’d listened to that feeling…
Of course you couldn’t have known. You had very limited information when you made your choice, and had no way of making a better decision than you did. It’s reasonable to feel let down--after all, you missed out on a million dollars! But the more you focus on what you missed out on, the less you’re able to enjoy what you did get. A thousand dollars is still a pretty great surprise, after all.
The answer is pretty obvious in this example, but it applies to bigger choices we make in our lives.
Making the Best Choice Possible
Think of the things you regret. Choices you made that turned out to be “bad” choices. Opportunities you may have missed or turned down. Try to remember your life at the time you made the decision. Try to remember why you chose what you did.
You’ll find that, in most cases, you made the best choice you could have. You looked at your options and you picked the one that seemed best at the time. See if you can remember what it was about your choice that seemed best at the time. Remember that these were and are valid reasons. You can’t make a decision based on information you don’t have, after all.
But what if you made a mistake? What if you forgot something important? What if you overslept that day?
Accepting Your Whole Self: Mistakes Included
It’s easy to berate ourselves for a “bad” choice when we have something to blame ourselves for. When there’s some obvious character defects that we can point to as the reason for all our “wrong” choices.
But of course this is harmful self-talk, and it hurts us far more than it helps. Rather than helping us learn from our mistakes, it deepens emotional wounds and makes us feel more guilty and ashamed.
Acceptance: An Antidote to Anxiety & Depression
Instead, try to practice acceptance of yourself including your mistakes and your “flaws.”
It often helps to picture a friend or loved one in your shoes. If your best friend missed an incredible job opportunity because they overslept, you wouldn’t berate them for it. You would be encouraging and empathetic.
“That sucks, that was a great opportunity. I’m sorry. It’s OK--I oversleep sometimes too, it happens.”
There’s no judgement or blame, simply acceptance and love. This self acceptance can be an antidote to anxiety and depression. Through letting go of that desire to make the “right” choice and giving yourself permission to make mistakes, it can be like lifting a huge weight off your shoulders.
Tips from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for Decision Making
So today I encourage you to examine something for which you feel guilty.
Offer yourself sympathy for what happened--it sucks, after all, to lose something important or miss out on an opportunity.
Offer yourself acceptance--it happens sometimes. It’s OK that you make mistakes. It’s OK that you’re not perfect.
Offer yourself love--even though that happened, you are still worthy and valid. You matter. You are enough.
And the next time you find yourself presented with a choice, approach it differently. Remind yourself that there’s no such thing as “right.” Remind yourself that you can’t make a “perfect choice.” Remind yourself that you only know so much, and you can’t be responsible for knowing what you don't.
Look at your options. Consider the pros and cons. Ask yourself which choice moves you towards your values and goals most effectively and skillfully. Consult a friend or two, if it helps. Or consult an anxiety therapist like myself.
Then choose.
Begin Mental Health Counseling in Tulsa, OK
Making decisions can be difficult. Especially when we find ourselves caught up in black and white thinking. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy give you tools to cope with the overwhelm of indecision. Learn to make values based decisions that will help you make meaningful change in your life. You don’t have to stay stuck feeling plagued by indecision or with symptoms of anxiety and depression. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy can help you on your journey to self acceptance and confidence.
To begin ACT in Tulsa, OK follow these three simple steps:
Email me or call/text me at 918-552-0657
Schedule an intake call to discuss how anxiety counseling might help you.
Learn to confidently make decisions that are in line with your personal values.
Other Mental Health Services at Gray Matters in Tulsa, Oklahoma
At Gray Matters Counseling in Tulsa, OK I practice Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. I help people in the Tulsa area with a variety of mental health concerns, including counseling for depression and anxiety counseling. I enjoy working with a variety of communities including counseling for the LGBTQ community, young adults and therapy for men. You don’t have to stay stuck or keep feeling overwhelmed. Through learning a few new skills, practicing mindfulness and talking things through with a an ACT therapist, you can make meaningful change in your life. Email me today to learn more about how mindfulness based therapy can help you move forward, be more decisive and feel less overwhelmed.