Do you catch yourself repeating the same mistakes over and over again? Do you struggle with bad habits? Do you have a hard time learning new ways of doing things? Learning to improve your psychological flexibility might be part of the answer.
Psychological flexibility is our ability to make realistic choices based on our values and goals rather than our feelings and impulses. It is the ability to know when to act, when to wait, and when to change course.
With psychological flexibility, we learn how to do what works. We learn how to stay the course when things get difficult. But we also learn how to adjust when the original plan no longer makes sense.
Imagine you lost your job. You would be upset, of course. Depending on the circumstances, you might feel sad, angry, or let down. You might be stressed about finding a new job and continuing to support yourself and your family. All of this is natural and understandable. However, the thoughts and feelings that naturally arise from this situation can lead to an inflexible and unproductive approach.
In this scenario, some examples of psychological inflexibility might include:
Struggling to accept that the change has occurred.
Spending an excessive amount of energy on “what ifs” and “should haves” trying to figure out what went wrong in a vain attempt to rewrite history.
Pretending like everything is fine, and that you don’t care about the job loss.
Being overly critical about yourself and blaming yourself for things outside of your control or understanding.
Blaming others or taking out your pain on friends and loved ones.
Getting absorbed by thoughts of being a failure or being hopeless.
Assuming that because you feel bad about yourself, other people also think badly about you (and that their negative opinions are right!).
Getting lost in thought to the point that you can’t focus on finding a new job.
Seeing yourself as fundamentally changed now that you lost the job.
Engaging in numbing, avoidance, or distraction and focusing on things that feel better in the short term.
Procrastinating, or refusing to make new plans.
It’s easy to see why psychological inflexibility can be so problematic.
In all of these examples, the feelings involved are understandable and deserve validation. It’s natural to be upset over losing something important. It’s natural to be anxious about the unknown. However, when we allow these feelings to be in the driver’s seat, we tend to hurt ourselves in the long run.
Being psychologically inflexible can be detrimental to our lives. When we make decisions purely based on emotion and habit, we tend to be less effective and skillful. We make our lives harder for ourselves. When we don’t actively apply lessons learned from experiences, we tend to repeat our mistakes.
With psychological flexibility, we can learn how to adapt to even the most difficult situations.
In the example of job loss, we apply the ACT Core concepts as well as we can.
Acceptance:
We accept that the job was lost and that our lives must now change in some way. We accept whatever uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that might come along with it, understanding that it’s natural to feel discomfort or pain when things don’t go the way we like
Cognitive Defusion:
We recognize that, although it’s natural to feel bad when something bad happens, we do not have to treat our thoughts and feelings as literal or 100% true. When an unpleasant thought arises (“I’m a failure”) we recognize that this is just a thought. We don’t have to believe the content of the thought and treat it as truth.
Being present
We don’t get hung up on thoughts about when we had the job. Instead, we acknowledge that “having the job” is now in the past, and “not having the job” is what is occurring in the present. Likewise, we don’t get hung up on our fears about the future; instead, we recognize that there’s a limited amount that we can do to predict and plan for the future.
Self as Context
We learn to not define ourselves in such a rigid, narrow way. We recognize that we existed and had worth before having the job, and we still exist and have worth now that the job is lost. The job loss is unfortunate and unpleasant, but it does not rob us of who we are.
Values
Tune in to what is important to you in your life. Regardless of what your values are, they can serve as a guide in adapting to the job loss.
Committed Action
Once you figure out what you want to do, now comes the time to make it happen. Committed Action means applying the mental and physical effort necessary to achieve your goals. This can take the form of setting goals, learning new habits, recovering from mistakes, or sometimes just practicing patience.
Tuning into ourselves increases psychological flexibility
Meditation and other mindfulness activities can help you be more psychologically flexible. Learning how to tune in with yourself will help you become more aware of your reactions, your habits, and your thoughts and feelings. This information helps with making committed actions in line with your values.
Counseling can also help increase psychological flexibility. Meeting with a Tulsa ACT counselor can help you learn new ways of practicing acceptance and defusion, and change the relationship you have with yourself
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Mental Health Services at Gray Matters in Tulsa, Oklahoma
At Gray Matters Counseling in Tulsa, OK I practice Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. I help people in the Tulsa area with a variety of mental health concerns, including counseling for depression and therapy for anxiety. The LGBTQ community, young adults and therapy for men are a few of my focus populations. Being a young adult is hard. You don’t have to navigate this alone. If you learn some new skills, practice mindfulness and talk things through with an ACT therapist, you can make meaningful change in your life. Email me today to learn more about how mindfulness-based therapy can help you move forward, be more decisive and feel less overwhelmed.