Dare to Self-Care: The Difference Between Self-Care and Selfishness

In today's busy and complicated world, taking care of ourselves has never been more important. “Self-care” has become a bit of a buzzword in the world of personal wellness, but it's one that also comes up often in therapy sessions. In my time as a counselor, I’ve seen time and time again how difficult the concept of self-care can be to discuss, understand, and fully realize in a person’s life. With this blog post, I aim to explore the concept of self-care, clear up misconceptions about selfishness, and discuss how important it is to nurture ourselves while maintaining healthy relationships with others.

What do we mean by “self-care"? 

Self-care is a broadly defined term, including a variety of intentional actions we take to promote our physical, mental, and emotional well-being. It is a vital practice that allows us to recharge, manage stress, and enhance our overall quality of life. It involves setting boundaries, prioritizing our needs, and engaging in activities that bring us joy and rejuvenation.

At its most basic, self-care is about self-preservation. It requires honesty about what our needs are, including physical, emotional, and interpersonal needs. It involves recognizing when we need to step back, recharge, and focus on ourselves. Practicing self-care involves activities, such as practicing mindfulness, engaging in hobbies, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, seeking therapy, and fostering positive relationships. Just as often, self-care involves setting boundaries with others, engaging in clear and honest communication, and navigating conflict between ourselves and others. By engaging in these activities, we prioritize our well-being, boost our resilience, and enhance our ability to navigate life's challenges.

Pushing back on the myth of selfishness

One common misconception surrounding self-care is the belief that it is selfish to focus on yourself when others need something from you. This is a common refrain in therapy sessions – clients who are feeling burnt out and stretched too thin, taking care of everyone and allowing their own needs to be at the very bottom of their priority list. This behavior is often encouraged by family, peers, coworkers, and bosses.  Many people derive a strong sense of self from their role as a caretaker, provider, or protector – role identities that often feel counter to the concept of self-care.

It's important to discredit this myth and recognize that self-care is not about ignoring others’ needs or neglecting important responsibilities. In fact, practicing self-care enables us to be more present, compassionate, and supportive in our relationships. “You can’t pour from an empty cup” is a phrase that captures the importance of self-care. If taking care of others is important to you, it’s important to recognize that you can’t do that effectively if your needs are not met.

If you watched the video above, you know that there is a case to be made for “healthy selfishness;” however, this is not what people tend to have in mind when using the word. Unhealthy selfishness might be defined as a lack of consideration for others, an unwillingness to compromise, and a lack of care for how your actions affect others. “Selfish” behavior often stems from entitlement and difficulty empathizing with others. “Selfish” individuals prioritize their own needs at the expense of others, without regard for the impact on those around them.

In contrast, self-care is rooted in self-awareness, self-compassion, and understanding the importance of nurturing ourselves to be better equipped to support others. By prioritizing self-care, we recognize the value of our lives and the validity of our own needs. In doing so, we ensure that we have the physical and emotional resources necessary to be there for our loved ones. It is not about ignoring others but rather about finding a healthier balance between caring for ourselves and caring for others.

Balancing self and others

Humans are incredibly social beings by definition, and healthy relationships are vital for our personal well-being. However, it can often feel challenging to balance our personal well-being with the needs of others. The people in our lives often demand that their needs be met, or the consequences of not meeting those needs can seem deeply threatening to us. 

This lack of balance can come as a result of malicious or selfish behavior on the part of others – abusive partners and demanding work environments are prime examples – but they need not be intentional. Any parent knows the struggle of taking care of children whose needs often seem never-ending and immediately important. It’s not an accident that most new parents are exhausted and personally neglected due to the intensity and immediacy of their child’s needs.

However, it's important to recognize that self-care and relationships are not mutually exclusive. Striking a balance requires effective communication, setting boundaries, and fostering mutual respect.

Open, honest conversations with our loved ones can help us express our needs and ensure they align with the dynamics of our relationships. It's essential to remember that self-care is not an all-or-nothing concept. We can engage in self-care activities while still being present and available for our partners, family members, and friends.

Setting boundaries is another crucial aspect of maintaining a healthy balance. Communicating our limits and being assertive about our needs helps prevent burnout and fosters mutual understanding. By setting boundaries, we can create space for self-care without compromising the quality of our relationships.

Mutual respect plays a vital role in balancing self-care and relationships. Respecting our own needs and boundaries sets an example for others to do the same. It can also help us to recognize people in our lives who may not necessarily have our best intentions in mind. When we insist on making space for our well-being, we model self-care as a positive and necessary practice, encouraging our loved ones to do the same.

Overcoming guilt and social pressure

Guilt about self-care can often come from social pressure, and it can often hinder our ability to engage in self-care. We may feel guilty for taking time for ourselves or feel compelled to prioritize the needs of others above our own. This pressure can come directly from others, but it can also be internalized due to childhood experiences and the values of the culture in which we live. In a culture that glorifies busyness and productivity, we may feel compelled to constantly be on the go, neglecting our needs in the process. However, it's crucial to challenge these societal norms and prioritize self-care as an essential component of a well-rounded and fulfilling life.  Overcoming these barriers requires challenging the beliefs and narratives that perpetuate the guilt associated with self-care.

Putting ideas into action

If you struggle with self-care, you may benefit from discussing this challenge in counseling. In therapy, we unpack internalized beliefs and unnoticed habits that may be leading you to prioritize others over yourself. Examining yourself in a therapeutic way can help shed light on personal barriers to self-care and spark new ideas on how to better tend to your needs. It can also help you understand how to communicate your needs to others, set healthier boundaries, and remove yourself from unhealthy dynamics. Consider scheduling an appointment, and together, we can help you understand your needs better and care for them in a way that improves your life and enhances your relationship with others.

Peace and Privacy: 5 Ideas for Enjoying Phone Counseling Sessions

I recently started offering phone counseling sessions, and have found that it can be a positive, effective method of receiving therapy in Oklahoma. Phone counseling sessions can offer a convenient and versatile way to seek support and guidance. 

Finding your own space that ensures peace, privacy, and tranquility for a satisfying counseling experience can sometimes be challenging. However, the ability to choose your own therapeutic setting can be an empowering experience, allowing you to customize your counseling session to fit your own sense of comfort. I encourage you to use this list to inspire you to try something new at your next phone counseling session

when you’re ready

Click to out how to schedule your first phone therapy session

Embracing Nature in a Local Park

If you’re in South Tulsa, Hunter Park offers walking trails, a dog park, disc golf, a duck pond, and more!

There's something therapeutic about being surrounded by nature's beauty. Local parks can provide the perfect setting for a phone counseling session in Oklahoma that fosters a sense of peace and tranquility. Find a quiet spot under a tree or on a bench where you can sit comfortably and engage in meaningful conversation with your counselor. The sounds of birds chirping and leaves rustling in the gentle breeze can create a calming backdrop for the call. You also have the option to walk, which can be helpful to ensure privacy and to help with restless energy. Being outside can also help you feel grounded, reducing stress and promoting openness during your phone counseling session.

Click to find a park near you!

Your Sanctuary at Home

When looking for privacy during a phone counseling session, consider creating your own special space at home. Choose a quiet and comfortable room, away from any potential disturbances. Make it a cozy space with gentle lighting, calming or inspiring decorations, and (most importantly) a comfortable place to sit. Declutter the area to reduce distraction and increase relaxation. Inform family members or roommates about the scheduled counseling session to ensure interruptions are kept to a minimum–even ask for your own to be empty, if possible. Having your personal sanctuary can help you get into a contemplative, engaged mindset for counseling, allowing you to explore your feelings and emotions openly with your counselor.

Inspiring Library Nooks

Libraries often offer quiet corners and reading nooks that can serve as ideal spaces for phone counseling sessions. Seek out a local library in Oklahoma with reading areas or study rooms where you can have privacy. Surrounded by books and knowledge, you may feel inspired and at ease during your counseling call. Libraries also enforce a sense of quiet and respect for others, which can contribute to a positive atmosphere for your counseling session–some even have welcoming outdoor areas where you can find a quiet space to yourself. Make sure to check the library's policy on phone calls beforehand and ensure you won't be disturbing others while you converse with your counselor–many libraries offer the ability to reserve rooms for meetings and private time. Please make sure you follow all library rules, and be respectful of other visitors.

Tulsa Central Library in downtown Tulsa, Oklahoma offers a kiosk that can be rented for telehealth appointments. Click the image for more info

Quiet in the Car

Since I began offering telehealth appointments, I’ve conducted hundreds of sessions talking to a client who was in their car at a time. They often are on their lunch break from work, having a session in the parking lot. They also might just be in the driveway outside of their home, taking time away from their family to have a phone counseling session. Sometimes they're on their commute home, or running errands. One huge benefit has been the ability to conduct sessions with people who drive for a living, as they can have their sessions on long stretches of the turnpike between cities. Whatever your reason, your car can be a versatile space for a quiet, private phone counseling session

A disclaimer: Not all sessions are appropriate for this particular setting. I don’t recommend doing phone sessions in areas of heavy traffic, lots of construction, or if you’re driving somewhere unfamiliar. I also don’t recommend talking about trauma and other strongly-triggering content while driving, both due to the safety implications and because driving can distract from the therapeutic process. It’s up to your judgment to decide what is safe and appropriate for you, and this is something we can discuss together.

Embrace the Great Outdoors: Hiking Trails

Turkey Mountain offers quiet, shady trails with multiple difficulty levels in Tulsa, Oklahoma

If you enjoy spending time outdoors and crave a sense of adventure, consider heading to a nearby hiking trail for your phone counseling session. Choose a trail that is not overly challenging and offers peaceful surroundings. The act of walking in nature is therapeutic in itself–physical activity releases endorphins, enhancing your emotional well-being. Remember to find a spot with a good phone signal so you can maintain a clear and uninterrupted connection with your counselor, and consider getting a Bluetooth headset to keep your hands free.

Click here to find a hiking trail near you

Conclusion

Incorporating phone counseling into your mental health journey can be a positive and empowering experience. To ensure a satisfying session, seek out places that provide peace, privacy, and a comfortable environment. Whether you embrace one of these ideas or come up with your own, the key is to find a space where you can comfortably express yourself and engage in a meaningful conversation with your counselor.

Consider Phone Therapy

Are you interested in teletherapy, but online counseling doesn’t seem like the right fit? Phone therapy may be the answer.

I started offering phone sessions as a backup to video sessions when the internet was down or other technical issues arose. After doing several phone sessions, I realized how positive an experience this format could be, both for myself and for my clients. I’ve since begun to offer phone therapy as a primary therapy format, and I’ve been pleased with the results.

Phone therapy offers a variety of benefits, as compared to video or in-person sessions.

Your session, your setting

The space in which therapy takes place can alter the experience for better or for worse. In the case of teletherapy, especially phone therapy, the setting can be completely of your choosing. Some clients like to talk to me on their morning walk, while others have a lunchtime session at the park or in their car. More than a few clients like to wear a headset so they can keep their hands busy, raking leaves or knitting or anything else that helps them think. I encourage my phone clients to hold their sessions wherever they feel most able to engage in therapy most effectively, and I like that my clients have the freedom to experiment with this and find their most ideal therapeutic setting. 

Increased anonymity can help build confidence

Confidentiality and privacy are vital to the therapeutic process. We talk about difficult subjects in therapy, and for many clients, the assurance that their thoughts, feelings, and stories are completely private is the only thing that allows them to be brave enough to open up and begin the healing process. Phone therapy can help you find your courage – there are just some things that are easier to say out loud when no one is looking at you. The sense of security that comes from this anonymity can help you feel more confident in opening up about your experiences without fear of judgment. Phone therapy clients can also appreciate the extra layer of anonymity provided by the fact that they won’t be seen, so they won’t be recognized by their therapist in public.

Freedom to relax, let your guard down

Many people spend their lives feeling guarded and tense when interacting with other people, and social pressure is one of the most common stressors my clients report. This doesn’t necessarily change just because the person you’re talking to is your therapist. My phone therapy clients have told me that they appreciate the freedom to be faceless and invisible – they talk about the social pressure they feel to smile at the right times, or make eye contact appropriately, or carry their body in a certain way. All of these and other concerns vanish with phone therapy. You’re free to sit, talk, dress, and act in whatever way feels most natural, without being concerned about what I or anyone else will think. I’ve observed how this level of comfort can help people to relax more fully, allowing them to open up more deeply in sessions.

Accessibility

Like other forms of teletherapy, phone therapy has the ability to make counseling accessible to people who may not have easy access to more traditional options. Perhaps you have mobility restrictions, or chronic pain that makes it hard to travel and sit in an office. Maybe you lack reliable transportation, or live far away from your chosen therapist. For some of my clients, the ability to simply leave work or school and start therapy without a commute has been a game changer in terms of how often they are able to attend sessions, and at least a few of my phone therapy clients report that without phone therapy they would never have been able to attend at all. There are many factors that might make it difficult for you to access the therapy you need, and phone therapy can help with this.

Fewer technical glitches

One huge advantage phone therapy has over video counseling is the lack of required internet access. While the vast majority of my video sessions go smoothly, it’s normal that we experience a bit of lag, or have an occasional dropped connection. This can be extremely frustrating and can interrupt the flow of a session. In a few especially unfortunate cases, lack of good internet has made completing a session all but impossible, forcing us to reschedule. I’ve never really had these kinds of problems with phone sessions. Unless you happen to be driving through a signal dead zone (or forget to charge your phone!), the chances of our session being interrupted by technical difficulties is low.

Some things to consider before scheduling

Like all forms of teletherapy, phone therapy has limitations and risks, including:

• Without your facial expressions and body language, I can only understand what you’re saying based on your words, tone of voice, and a few other subtle audio cues I’m trained to pick up on. While I’m confident in my ability to listen and understand my clients over the phone, miscommunications are more common than in other therapy formats and additional clarification may occasionally be needed

• Doing therapy outside of a traditional office makes it more likely that you will have distractions or interruptions in your environment, and this isn’t something I can help with. The same is true about privacy, should you choose to do your session in a space where other people might overhear.

• Crisis situations can be more uncertain with telehealth. Since I can’t be sure of your physical location or who is with you, I’m more likely to be cautious when it comes to things like suicidal intent and self-harm. It’s my ethical duty to keep you safe in these situations, which can sometimes mean reaching out to an emergency contact or a medical or legal authority. While I always strive to protect confidentiality in the therapeutic relationship, the distance involved in teletherapy increases risk and increases my ethical necessity to act with caution and care. If you are experiencing suicidal intent or self-harm, this is something we can discuss on a consultation call or in-session.

Gray Matters is a Safe Space

As I write this in early 2023, a bill has recently been introduced in the Oklahoma legislature that would make it a felony for healthcare providers to provide most gender-affirming care to people younger than 21 and creates additional roadblocks for adult patients seeking their care. While the details of this specific bill are still in flux, it is an example of an overall trend of legislation in Oklahoma (and in many other institutions across the country) aimed at restricting the lives of LGBTQ+ people, including inhibiting access to basic care, education, and community resources. 

And more appear to be on the way. Just a week ago, the Oklahoma House of Representatives passed a “Don’t Say Gay or Trans” bill, prohibiting discussions of gender and sexuality in schools. This trend is extremely worrisome, leaving many people wondering what’s going to happen next and where they can safely get the support they need.

More than ever, it feels deeply important to be clear that Gray Matters Counseling is always a safe space to discuss gender and sexuality issues of any kind without judgment or criticism. Over the years, I’ve worked with a wide variety of LBGTQ+ individuals, helping them to understand themselves more fully. I’ve helped them develop the language and confidence to share their story with the people they trust and to begin moving through the world in a way that honors the most important parts of their identities. Perhaps most importantly, LBGTQ+ counseling can help people navigate their family and social relationships in communities that aren’t always accepting (and are sometimes quite threatening).

These are topics that are deeply important to a person’s sense of self, and they are also topics that arouse sometimes-intense shame, guilt, and anxiety in a great number of people. When LGBTQ+ individuals live in an environment of anxiety and pressure, these negative feelings are worsened and intensified, sometimes leading to deep depression, fear of relationships, and even self-harming behaviors. The primary negative symptoms of gender dysphoria – intense discomfort with the body, a sense of isolation and “otherness,” and difficulty with a sense of self – are further worsened when a person lives within a family or community that regularly makes them feel psychologically or physically unsafe. Unfortunately, this is an apt description of a large number of LGBTQ+ Oklahomans.

As of this writing, no similar legislation has been proposed that will impact counseling or counselors directly (though I’m anxiously following this ongoing discussion). Indirectly, I’m deeply concerned that I’ll have fewer and fewer providers to legally refer my clients to for clinically appropriate medication, hormones, and surgeries. Still, at the moment LPCs have not been targeted by such legislation. However, my worry is that this will eventually change. 

As a counselor, I hear people’s fear of the uncertainty, the anxiety, and the very real threats they experience – so I think it’s important to say that Gray Matters Counseling will always provide high-quality, evidenced-based counseling to anyone who needs it.

Gender-affirming care is evidence-based. As a counselor, and as a person, I take my ethical and moral responsibility to my clients extremely seriously – part of this is to provide the best care I can based on the best evidence available. While the research on topics of gender identity and sexuality has historically been ignored and restricted, this has been changing in recent decades. The evidence is increasingly strong: Gender dysphoria and problems with sexuality can’t be treated and resolved in an atmosphere of shame and secrecy. These are core parts of a person’s identity, and healing can’t begin until they are accepted and explored with an attitude of love and acceptance. 

At Gray Matters Counseling, it’s my goal to provide this level of care. I hope to empower LGBTQ+ individuals in Oklahoma to accept themselves fully, act on their values, and live more fulfilling lives. 

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If you or someone you know is struggling with issues related to gender and sexuality, I invite you to schedule an appointment today. And check out the resources below:

If you live in the Tulsa area, the Dennis R. Neill Equality Center is a fantastic place for just about any kind of resource you could imagine. PFLAG is another great resource if you are near Oklahoma City, Norman, or Stillwater. Both organizations can also be contacted by phone or online if you live too far to visit in person.

Other helpful links:

Planned Parenthood, information about healthcare

“Know Your Rights,” National Center for Transgender Equality

Best Practices for Gender-Affirming Care, CDC 

Talking to young children about gender issues

"Children and gender identity: Supporting your child," May Clinic

Empathy — The Greatest Gift We Have

by Carolyn Hedley

The word empathy appears everywhere these days in news articles, blogs, and even social media posts. Though it may seem like an inherent trait, empathy is a habit we can cultivate and can lead to improving our own lives along with the lives of those around us. We're going to take a look at what empathy is, how empathy benefits us, and how to practice empathy.

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Empathy is a skill

Your ability to empathize with others may be diminished by experiences of trauma, heartbreak, and suffering.

Counseling can help empower you to experience empathy and deep love.
Click here to schedule today!

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What Is Empathy?

Empathy is often confused with sympathy or pity, but it's quite different from either. Empathy is the ability to feel what another person is feeling. It is the ability to step into another person's shoes and understand. Through empathy, we aim to understand what others are feeling and use this understanding to guide our thoughts and actions.

On the other hand, sympathy is seeing another person's pain from the outside and feeling sorry for them. Empathy is seeing someone's pain and feeling it with them. Through empathy, you're able to share emotions and understand another person’s feelings, beliefs, and thoughts.

I want to explore some common thought processes that hinder our ability to feel empathy and compassion. You may recognize one or two that you’ve experienced. We all have these thought processes sometimes and being aware of them is a step closer toward becoming more empathetic. 

Sometimes the way someone perceives the world through their cognitive biases will affect their ability to experience empathy. There are a number of cognitive biases, but we’ll only be discussing three for now. One cognitive bias that may hinder someone's ability to feel empathy is assuming that everyone else shares their opinions or beliefs. Without being open-minded and cognizant that there are multiple beliefs out there, you won't be able to empathize with those who don't believe what you do.

On the other hand, many people will drive a wedge between themselves and others, believing that people who are different don't feel or behave the same way they do. For example, men and women often believe that they’re so different from one another that they feel, think, and behave differently. We hear that men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. This thought process can prevent empathy because a person may believe there’s little in common with someone they view as different. 

Finally, we’re onto victim-blaming. Everyone wants to believe the world is just and fair, but the truth is it's not. When something bad happens to someone, a person may feel inclined to ask the victim what they did to deserve that. In this idea of a just world, those who suffer would get what they deserved and people want to believe that the world is just. Unfortunately, this way of thinking is extremely harmful and blocks any path toward compassion and empathy. 

How Does Empathy Benefit Us?

You'd be surprised by how many benefits people get from empathy. Biologists have proven that we are social animals that have evolved to care for each other and through this, we survive. On a personal level, empathy gives us the ability to build social connections and important relationships with others. 

Empathizing can also help to regulate your own emotions and soften difficult experiences. By experiencing another’s feelings you are more aware of your emotions and become more open to experiences. Emotional regulation helps you manage your emotions and can even help you to feel less overwhelmed during times of stress.

By showing empathy, you promote compassion and kindness in others. People who experience empathy are more likely to engage in behaviors that benefit others. In other words, empathy leads to and is linked to altruism. It goes back to creating that social connection and honestly, just spreading the love. 

I want to share a really interesting story I read about the power of empathy. This is a true story about Claiborne Paul Ellis who was a leader in the Ku Klux Klan. However, he developed a friendship with Ann Atwater, an African-American grassroots civil rights activist. Both coming from lower incomes, they came to the understanding that as poor people they were oppressed. They bonded over their shared experiences of living with a lower-income and eventually became friends They laughed together and cried together. In 1971, Ellis renounced his Klan membership, tearing up his membership card in front of a thousand people including other clan members. He became a civil rights activist and he and Atwater's friendship endured.

This story is a powerful experience that shows what empathy and compassion can truly do. We learn so much by listening, bonding, and sharing with others. Someone you feel is completely different from you may have more in common with you than you think. 

Tips to Practice Empathy

As we talked about at the beginning of this article, empathy is a trait that you can cultivate. One study shows that practicing empathy leads to increased positive feelings about oneself and others and enhances their general well-being. If you’re wanting to see the benefits of empathy, try implementing these strategies into your daily life.

When talking with someone, listen without interrupting, and pay attention to their body language. Body language and nonverbal communication say a lot about how someone’s feeling. Try to pick up on the feelings the person may be expressing. By doing this, you’re becoming more in tune with others’ emotions. 

If you disagree with someone, try to understand their side. Ask questions to learn more about their perspective and listen without making judgments. When we’re divided, it's easier to shut our eyes and ears to those who disagree with us. However, people have reasons and experiences that have shaped their beliefs and ideas. Listen to what others have to say without judgment and you may find that you understand where they're coming from even if you don't agree with their idea or belief.

Try a loving-kindness meditation. The point of this meditation is to practice loving-kindness to yourself and others. By practicing loving-kindness through mediation, it can help you incorporate compassion for yourself and others in your daily life. 

Empathy allows us to share connections, bond with others and spread love. Through empathy, a man was able to turn away from the KKK and become a civil rights activist. By cultivating this incredible trait, we can better our own lives and the lives of those around us. By practicing empathy, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Read more from Carolyn at carolynhedley.com